Hello Mamabees!
I’ve been reflecting a lot lately over my motherhood journey and how much I have grown throughout this period of my life so I’m sharing a few lessons I’ve learned as a first time mom for other mamas who might be going through a similar situation or who are expecting a little one soon!
Keep the big picture in mind.
I will be the first to admit that I am a recovering control freak. When our son was born, I wanted to have a sense of control over everything from his sleep schedule to my milk supply to entertaining him. I remember how big these things felt at the time – any slight change to his nap schedule or if my milk supply had dipped suddenly – I would have a big freak out. Looking back now, those things feel so minuscule compared to how far we have come. Not to say those things weren’t big deals. But slight changes here and there are nothing to freak out over compared to the bigger changes and transformations that our little ones go through over the span of a few months. So, to keep myself grounded, I now ask myself whenever these small hiccups arise – will this matter 5 or 10 years from now?
Love for your little one may not be at first sight.
Before becoming a mom, I thought my love would be instantaneously when I first met my little one. But in all honesty, it took a while to feel bonded with my son. I loved him the first time I saw him but at the same time, I was feeling a lot of anxiety with what just had happened. I had a lot of mixed feelings the first few months that he was born from excitement to fear to pure bliss. I could stare at him all day in awe. Looking back now, my love grew overtime and I felt more bonded to him as he started to recognize me as his “mom” and was able to interact more with us. Even now my love for him continues to grow with each passing day.
The relationship I have with myself is reflected in the relationship I have with my child.
Since becoming a mom, I realize how much my childhood upbringing has shown up in the way that I love and treat my child. For instance, my dominant love language is words of affirmation and physical touch so I default to constantly telling my son “I love you” “you are the best thing in this world” and giving him lots of kisses and hugs. As I reflect on this, I realize how much this was part of my childhood upbringing, having flashbacks of my mom telling me every night how much she loved me and how I was her #1. It only makes sense that we give love the way that we received love. I think the important lesson for me was that how I treat myself and the love I extend to myself will also be reflected in the way I treat my child. If I’m insecure in a particular feature or quality about myself, I see it also reflected in the way I’m insecure about my child. So, I’ve been working on being kind to myself and reminding myself to give myself grace.
Direct communication with your partner is essential.
This was a big learning for both me and my partner since we became parents. Having a baby has tested our limits with one another on a whole new level. When you are sleep deprived and your boundaries are constantly being tested by a tiny human in your life, things will get intense and there will be emotional breakdowns. So communication with your partner is key. I have learned to vocalize now when I’m not getting the support I need. This prevents me from building resentment and preventing burnout. I constantly let my husband know when I’m feeling drained and when I need his help. And vice versa – he does the same. We also make sure to check in with each other whenever we want our me time so we can cover childcare during those times. Constant communication is so crucial. You’re essentially now a 2-person team and will need to coordinate those “time offs.”
Breastfeeding takes time to master.
I was told by other mamas how breastfeeding was challenging for them so I expected it to be difficult but I didn’t know how much goes on with breastfeeding until I actually did it. For instance, I didn’t know that a feeding for a newborn takes on average 30 minutes and they feed every 2-3 hours for at least the first month. No wonder moms can’t get any rest in the middle of the night. And on top of that, even if the partner steps in to do a middle of the night bottle feeding, the mama needs to still breast pump in order to keep up supply. This made me feel like there was no point to the bottle feeding since we both ended up being awake anyway. However, once my son and I mastered the latch and he was able to store more milk in his tiny stomach, the stretches between each feeding lengthened overtime and I was able to get longer stretches of sleep after the first month.
Motherhood can be a lonely journey.
It can feel lonely at times, leaning on other moms even through a Facebook group or joining a mom community can ease this transition so you don’t feel alone on your journey. I struggled with feeling lonely for the first year of motherhood and still do at times. Because my identity completely changed and I no longer could relate as easily to my non-parenting friends, I felt even more isolated. Even worse, our son was born 2.5 years after the pandemic started so we were in a long period of isolation and lockdown. I leaned on my therapist a lot during this period of time and as I adjusted to my new identity, I started to put myself in situations that would enable me to meet with other moms – whether that be at a local park or through a Facebook local moms group. This has helped me so much and has even provided me with great advice and ideas for parenting struggles!
Mom guilt is not a sign you’re a bad mom. It’s a sign that you care, a lot.
Mom guilt is a lot more common than we think. I’m so glad more moms are speaking out about their struggles with mom guilt to normalize this feeling that all moms share. No matter what choices we make (ie. go to work or stay at home with our child, taking a night off away from our child for ourselves), we will always find a way to feel guilt. One way that I’ve overcome my mom guilt is to shift my perspective. Instead of framing it as “guilt” and shaming myself for feeling like I’m a terrible mom, I ask myself “how will this choice or decision lead me to become a better version of myself and therefore, show up as the best mom I can be for my son?” Whether it’s a choice to go to a yoga class or a night out with my girlfriends, when I think of it from this perspective, I’m no longer burying myself with thoughts of “I’m a terrible mom” and all of the “I should (be at home spending all my time with my son) or I should [FILL IN THE BLANK]”.
