Therapy is an important part of maintaining our mental wellbeing. For moms, especially, the need for therapy becomes increasingly more important due to the risk of postpartum depression and anxiety.
According to the National Institutes of Health, roughly 10-15% of adult moms experience postpartum depression every year. It is essential for moms to receive adequate mental health support during their biggest life transition when they are prone to feeling isolated, sleep deprived and stressed.
I’m a huge fan of therapy. I have been seeing a therapist on and off since my college days – over 10 years now! And it has truly changed my life.
Once I became pregnant, I had a really rough time juggling my work and taking care of my mental health during the first trimester (let’s be honest, all the trimesters). With my mental health on the line, I knew I needed additional support so I reached out to my therapist and we met every other week leading up to the birth of my son. This was the best investment I’ve made. My therapist helped me manage my work stress leading me to ask for a month break from work and guided me through big life decisions.
When it came to parenting and my marriage, there was one piece of advice that she gave me during our last session before the birth of my son and this has stuck with me ever since.
Her advice was clear and simple: “Prioritize your marriage first.”
My therapist shared with me that research has shown when parents prioritize their relationship with each other, their child is more likely to grow up in a psychologically safe environment and therefore, have healthier relationships themselves.
After hearing this, I immediately ran to my husband to tell him that we must always remember to be a “wife first” or “husband first.” This means we need to be on the same page, talk it out when we’re feeling overwhelmed, constantly communicate with each other, and make time for each other and ourselves even when things get busy.
When the time came to finally put this advice into practice, it became so clear how our relationship was the main piece that held our family together.
I’ll tell you, we are far from being a perfect couple. But we have learned a few lessons along our parenting journey that have made us work together better as a team.
Below are a few tips that have allowed us to get through the struggles of parenthood together and come out much stronger.
Practice open and honest communication.
Communication is the most important when it comes to working together with your partner in raising a child. There will be so many first-times and different approaches to parenting that being on the same page will make it so much smoother. For example, my husband is not a morning person. Never has been, never will be. So when our son was consistently waking up at 5am in the morning for a period of a couple months, it put a real strain on his mood and as a result, it affected me emotionally. We had several different conversations about this including how to fix our son’s sleep schedule, how to own up to our attitudes even when we’re feeling like shxx and how we can better preserve our energy for our family so we can bring our best. We now have a great system when either one of us is feeling low on energy or patience. Instead of expecting ourselves to always divide responsibilities 50/50, we ask each other “what percent do you have?” We’ll then honestly share where we are energy wise, ranging from 0% (completely depleted, burnout) to 100% (fully charged and fresh). When we do this, it gives us a frame of reference on where our partners are. I originally got this idea from Emily Oster, the best-selling author of Expecting Better, who shares noteworthy parenting tips.
It’s the little things that go a long way.
When you become a parent, everything else in life seems to fall into the back burner, including your marriage. You may start to forget to say “thank you” and show appreciation for your partner. No one can blame you. Being sleep deprived and at the constant beck and call of a tiny human being can take a toll on your mental capacity. But every once in a while, when you have mustered a little bit of energy, saying “thank you” or “I appreciate you” to your partner can go a long way.
There were many moments I took a pause and reminded myself of how much my husband does behind the scenes – from taking out the garbage to making sure all of our toiletries like dish soap and hand soap were constantly refilled and of course breaking down the countless boxes that I accumulate each week. When you’re in the day-to-day, these mundane tasks can feel like it’s just part of your daily chores and it becomes the expectation rather than an opportunity to appreciate each other’s contributions to the household. So, the next time your husband does something, find a way to show your appreciation however big or small it is. For me, I like to surprise my husband with a post-it note on the mirror with sweet notes like “Happy Anniversary” or “thank you for doing the laundry.”
Make time for yourself.
Making time for yourself is essential in remembering your identity outside of being a parent, practicing independence and a chance to recharge. When you’re by yourself, you get to call all the shots without considering what someone else wants or how your decisions may affect them. Making time for yourself can be as small as going for a solo walk around your neighborhood or as a big as taking a solo trip to visit a destination on your bucket list. It can also look like taking your favorite workout class or hanging out with a few friends you haven’t seen for a while. Whatever it is, make sure it’s something you truly want to do and will leave you feeling recharged afterward. Once you return your family, you’ll be able to bring the best version of you for both your partner and kids.
Identify your triggers.
The parenting journey will surface a lot of your deep childhood triggers. For my husband, it was messy food. For me, it was touching dirty surfaces like playing with the trash can. Once you know each other’s triggers, it makes it so much easier to navigate which parent does what. For example, since my husband hates meal time because of the mess it creates and I don’t mind it, I am usually the default parent when it comes to meal times and cleanup. And when our son is getting his hands into dirty things like trash cans or sweepers, I will step away and my husband takes over. We also have an agreement that whenever one of us starts feeling like we’re about to lose our cool, we immediately pause and tell each other “I need to step away.” It’s our safe phrase to let each other know that we are at our limits and the other person should step in. This has worked very well for us. I’ve used it a few times when I’m losing patience and feel the need to step away to calm down.
Avoid the blame game.
As new parents, you will make mistakes. That’s part of the learning journey. It’s easy to point fingers at your partner when something happens to your child because it may hurt less. There were a few times when our son got hurt on my husband’s watch and I would yell at him for letting it happen. But when it happened with me, my husband didn’t point blame or attack me. I already felt bad enough so adding salt to the wound would only make things worse. To avoid blaming each other, take some time to cool off first and then revisit what didn’t go well and what could be done better next time to avoid those situations. It’s important to reflect on each situation and share how you both can grow as parents. Learn from each other and support each other.
Champion each other.
Remember that your biggest support is your partner throughout your parenting journey so take the time to champion each other. Provide each other feedback in a loving and kind way. If there’s a better way your partner can approach problems with your child, share it. For example, I am a bookworm and love to read parenting books that can help me manage my toddler’s big feelings so when I learn something new, I’ll share it with my husband. While we may disagree on certain things, it’s great to share learnings with each other so you both are equipped with tools on how to navigate each stage of parenthood!
Overall, transitioning into parenthood comes with many joys and challenges. The journey becomes much easier when you have a partner that can support and understand you along the way. Finding ways to encourage and communicate with your partner will be the best thing you can do for your marriage and your family. Research has shown that being raised with parents modeling a healthy loving relationship will also foster healthy loving relationships for their child.
I would love to hear in the comments below, what is the best parenting advice you’ve received?
