The one thing I did not mentally prepare for before having our son was the strain it would have on my relationship with my in-laws.
Relationships with in-laws is tricky enough without kids in the picture.
Once you add kids into the mix, it gets even messier.
Since becoming parents ourselves, it became clear how much we have adopted our parents’ traits by the way we parent our child.
My husband and I consistently poke fun at how we’re so much like each other’s parents.
“You’re just as stubborn as your mom!” he would say to me.
“You’re just as critical as your mom!” I would shout back.
Though it’s all said in good fun, you can’t help but wonder what traits we’ll be passing onto our own kids that were passed down from our parents – generational trauma, right?
When your parenting style clashes with your in-laws, it becomes a whole other challenge to navigate.
I’ve had many disagreements with my mother-in-law (MIL) since our son was born.
Unfortunately, my husband is always caught in the middle of it, hearing it from both ends.
There was a point in our relationship when it hit a tipping point when I felt my trust was betrayed by my MIL. At that point, I strongly voiced to my husband that we could no longer trust her to watch our son.
Fast forward 2 years of bumpy roads and many arguments later, we’ve now come to a better understanding with one another, even though our beliefs are wildly different.
Below are a few things that have helped me to maintain a healthier relationship with my in-laws.
- Set clear firm boundaries. Though this is an obvious one, this is the most important (and hardest) one. Being raised in a traditional Asian family home, neither my husband or I were taught how to set healthy boundaries. This is due to the nature of our Asian cultural background, where familial relationships and one’s duty to the family comes first and above all else. So, when we were challenged to set boundaries with each other’s parents, it was definitely a new challenge and forced us out of our comfort zone. I knew setting boundaries was going to be important if I wanted to protect whatever remained from my relationship with my MIL. After countless conversations later, my husband finally understood and we came to an understanding on what we were willing to tolerate, and shared these with his parents. At first, it was uncomfortable. But over time, it helped me to better appreciate and have a healthier relationship with my MIL.
- Reflect on family values and big picture goals. Our main goal in moving back to the Bay area was to be closer to my husband’s family so our kids could know their grandparents. I never knew my grandparents so witnessing the bond between our son and his grandparents brings me so much joy. When I am reminded of how much love our son is surrounded with by his grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins around, the struggles and challenges with my MIL was all worth it.
- Identify your triggers. There were new triggers that I didn’t know I had until I became a parent. For example, forced feeding or forced anything really triggered me. When my MIL would force feed our son because she didn’t want to waste food, it triggered me. When my MIL forced him to hug her or someone else, it triggered me. All of these new triggers were difficult to navigate as I was learning them for the first time. Once I knew what my triggers were, I was able to better manage my anxiety around them. Instead of getting anxious, I would now explain to my MIL that he is fully capable of feeding himself and that forcing him to hug someone would make him less likely to want to do it.
- Define your non-negotiables. There will come a time when you may just have to set your foot down and be clear about what you aren’t willing to tolerate. For me, it was anything related to safety. At my MIL’s house, they will casually leave scissors and knives out on the table. This makes me nervous. So, I was clear with my husband that I don’t feel comfortable leaving our son at their place without our supervision. He understood and we both agree that if his parents were to babysit, it would be at our house, not theirs.
- Understand different love languages and how it affects their parenting style. This was a game changer for me. Once I understood the love language of my MIL and FIL (acts of service and quality time), it made it easier to let certain things slide like them consistently offering strawberries and snacks to our son even though he had just eaten a bowl of fruits. This was their way of showing their love so I became more accepting of it.
I won’t deny that my relationship with my in-laws are still a constant struggle, but as I’m learning more about how they operate and their values, it’s enabled me to find peace and practice radical acceptance in challenging situations.
If you struggle with your in-laws, how have you managed your relationship?
Leave a comment down below!
