The job of a stay-at-home mom is considered high-value work. After all, we are raising the next generation of leaders. Yet, it’s the most undervalued work in our society.
I’ve been working and making my own money since I was 16 years old. I prided myself on being financially independent and working hard all my life to pay for my own bills.
So when I became a stay-at-home mom, it’s no surprise that it felt super uncomfortable to no longer be earning my own money and rely on someone else for financial support.
It took a while for me to feel like I could spend money on myself guilt-free.
It took hours of therapy to overcome the belief that my self-worth was not attached to how much money I made. And to be honest, I still struggle with this self-belief.
Now that I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for over a year, I’ve been able to overcome the guilt I carried with not earning money since my job layoff in 2023. After many conversations with my husband, we’ve been able to better understand each other’s needs and make a plan for our family’s financial future together.
1. Calculate how much full-time nannies make in your area to get a sense of your monetary “worth.”
Initially, when I became a SAHM, I thought I had to overcompensate for the lack of income I was bringing in by doing more household chores around the house and being productive 100% of the time that I was “on the job.” I’ve made a lot of friends with nannies over the past year through our local playground and at times I would find myself begrudgingly envy them because they were getting paid to watch a child and they got to clock out and be child-free after their shift was over. In contrast, I was doing unpaid work and my shift doesn’t end until our son goes to bed. And even then, there’s no guarantee that there won’t be a middle of the night waking. Anyway, this was a great point to remind myself whenever I felt I wasn’t creating any value or contributing to the family. On average, nannies in San Francisco (where we live) get paid $24.16/hour which translates to $50,252 per year. This is on average, most nannies with 5+ years of experience will get paid closer to $30/hour which translates to $62,400 per year. Although this isn’t considered high income earning, it’s still a price you can consider the value you’re contributing to your family. Once you have this number, it’s helpful to think of it as your family’s total cost saving or your personal income as part of your total family’s income earnings. So, if your partner earns $115,000 per year, consider $50,000 (at minimum) of this earning as your personal income because that is essentially how much value you’re contributing and how much you’re saving your family on childcare.
2. Create a budget.
I know budgets may not sound fun, but they certainly can be! I’m a budget nerd so I enjoy planning where each dollar goes and seeing where we land each month. It also helps relieve financial pressure when you know where each dollar is spent. The major line items for cost of living expenses include your rent or mortgage, utilities groceries, phone bill, car insurance, and transportation costs. In addition to this, make sure you factor any subscriptions you are a member of such as TV streaming services, Spotify, apps, etc. Creating a budget will help reduce your family’s stress and thereby your guilt around how much money you’re spending. Don’t be alarmed if you are at first shocked by how much money you spend or if you go overbudget. It will take a few months until you get an idea of how much you actually spend on these different categories, which will allow you to adjust and see where you can cut costs or spend more. When I became a stay-at-home mom, I cut luxury nonessential items like massages, facials and extended haircuts as long as possible or I would just get a shorter haircut so it would last longer. I also cut out workout classes and opted in for working out at home with YouTube which saved me time and money. Creating a budget does not necessarily mean you have to reduce your spending in every category. It may mean you’re shifting your spend from one category so you can have more budget for another. For example, if you’re overspending in the dining out category and you can live with reducing the number of takeouts or dine-ins, this means you will have more to spend in other areas such as an occasional self-care massage. Setting a budget means you take control and are in charge of your money so you can feel less guilt spending it.
3. The 10% rule.
I once read in a personal finance book to devote 10% of your earning income towards fun or play. This means you can spend 10% of your income on whatever you want each month. Though you’re not necessary earning income, like the exercise we did in #1 on calculating the average nanny’s salary in your area, this will give you an idea of how much you should set aside for your personal spending. For example, taking the nanny’s average salary from above, if you earn $50,262 per year, this results in $4,188.50 per month. 10% of $4,188.50 is $418.85. This means you can set aside $418.85 to spend on yourself guilt-free! Now, I know what you’re thinking. This may not sound like a lot, especially if you’re used to a higher quality lifestyle of fancy dine-in and monthly massages and facials. The 10% is just a minimum. If your partner is earning more than enough to provide for your monthly cost of living expenses, then you can consider targeting 15-20%. The point of this is to have a monthly target of spending on yourself. This gives you the permission to spend money on yourself guilt-free.
4. The more you invest in your mental wellbeing and health, the better mom you’ll become.
When I was struggling with my mental health and felt like I was spiraling down to a state of depression, I started to seek support from my therapist. But once I exhausted my HSA funds, the guilt started to creep in about spending my partner’s earned income on my therapy sessions. Therapy is expensive. My therapist cost $175/hour and accepts no insurance. You may be thinking, why not go to a different therapist? Well, that’s a great point except I’ve been working with my therapist for years and it took me trying a few different therapists until I found the right one that suited personal needs. Switching to another therapist could be more costly given how many therapists I might need to try before I find the one. Anywho, I digress. The point is your relationship with your child and your family depends on your mental wellbeing. In today’s post-pandemic world, the rise in mental health needs, including an increase in anxiety, depression and substance use disorder is a major concern. So, investing in a high-quality therapist that you know and love is so important. This is one of the things that you should never feel guilty about spending money on.
5. Make a plan.
If you and your partner are financially struggling or feeling financially stressed, it’s important to make a plan for your worst-case scenarios. Our biggest fear was my husband being laid off from his job and our entire family’s living depended on his job. So, we made a plan for this worst-case scenario and wrote out our plan. This included selling 1 of 2 cars that we owned, selling 1 of 2 real estate properties that we owned and dipping into our emergency savings if needed. Our emergency savings allowed us to maintain our current lifestyle for 1 year if neither of us went back to work. There are also other things such as cutting costs on childcare, reducing swimming lessons for our son, and of course, either of us would immediately start looking for a job. While it’s scary to think about the worst-case scenario, making a plan and writing it out will make it feel less scary. It’s always best to have an emergency fund of 6+ months, maybe even more if your family is living on one income that feels uncertain. It’s also important to consider part-time work to earn additional streams of income such as dog-sitting on Rover, teaching a hobby you enjoy (like I did with Lagree) or apply for a virtual assistant job. The possibilities are endless in today’s digital age.
If you’re a stay-at-home mom struggling with guilt spending money on yourself, I would love to hear in the comments below how you have managed your guilt.
