Last Friday, a dear mom friend of mine shared that she was on parenting duty for the rest of her evening because her husband was going out to the opening night for SF Giants baseball season. For context, she’s a stay-at-home mom of two adorable girls – 10 months old and 2.5 years old.
I replied with a shocking “what?!” A part of me felt resentful for her. How could her husband leave her alone with two kids on a Friday evening when she’s been watching them all week long by herself? Doesn’t she deserve a break as well? That’s not fair.
As she took off, I said to her “I hope you get a break this weekend! You deserve it!”
Then, it made me pause and reflect on my own situation. I’m a mom of one. My husband works from home and is 100% remote so he’s usually helping us around the house as needed. I feel grateful. But there are also moments when I resent him (and still do). That very same night, my husband left me abruptly in the middle of our son’s bedtime routine at 8:15pm to pick up his brother who was traveling from out of town. It was earlier than we had expected so we had to rush our son’s bedtime routine, which caused me so much stress. I couldn’t help but feel resentful towards him. Why does he have to pick him up? Can’t someone else?
Normalizing the Feeling of Resentment Post-Baby
After speaking to a dozen of moms, I realize how common this feeling is. It starts as soon as baby arrives. This may not come as a surprise given how life-altering adding a new member to your family is. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable and resentful when your hormones and emotions are high, your relationship with in-laws and parents begin to shift as they become actively involved in your life, and of course, the division of household responsibilities.
Common Causes of Resentment Toward Your Partner Post-Baby
1. Hormones and emotions are running high.
After you give birth, your body is no longer the same. Your hormones and emotions are likely still running high. And if you’re breastfeeding, that also contributes to your wacky hormones. On top of your rollercoaster hormones, sleep deprivation can take a significant toll on your mental health causing you to feel more easily irritable, stressed and frustrated. This can lead to postpartum depression, which affects 1 out of 8 postpartum women according to CDC research. The hormones, emotions and sleep deprivation may all contribute to rising tensions between you and your partner during this stressful period.
2. A shift in family dynamics.
With the addition of a new family member, it is likely you will receive frequent visitors from family and friends, including your own parents and in-laws. The involvement of your family members can be challenging for both the mom and dad as you learn to manage your relationship with each other’s families and how to respond to unsolicited advice.
3. Societal expectations of mom vs. dad.
The newborn phase is a precious time for bonding with your baby as a family and filled with so much love and joy. It’s also a super stressful time for both the mother and father as you learn how to navigate parenthood for the very first-time. When you become a mom, it becomes more clear than ever before how double standards show up in the comments you receive. No matter what you do, someone will find a way to judge you or criticize you. You stopped breastfeeding at 3 months? Wait for the judgment to come. You’re breastfeeding for 2 years? There will still be judgment. I realize after becoming a mom, how drastically different societal expectations are for moms vs dad. When my husband helped cook our family dinner, my mom would praise him. Yet when I ran around doing chores and tidying up the house, it was considered normal and just part of the mom job. We’ve come a long way as a society and we are slowly growing accustomed to the dads holding a bigger role in the household, but we still have a long way to go. This difference in expectations may affect the resentment women hold towards their husbands.
4. Misaligned expectations of what’s fair. Fair does not mean equal.
Have you and your partner ever got into a battle about who did what and who deserves a break from child duty? (Raises hand) This is me and my husband all the time. It feels like tit for tat. We are keeping a running track of who does what just so we can justify taking a break. You get the morning routine so I’ll take the night. You left me for a whole day on Saturday, you get to watch him all day Sunday. Does this sound familiar? It’s easy to keep tabs on each other because it feels like you’re constantly passing around this hot potato (aka your baby) back and forth, coordinating who does what. But keeping tabs just doesn’t work. Fair does not necessarily mean equal division of household responsibilities. Take, for instance, breastfeeding. Only the mom can take on this role so how to quantify and divide this duty? Sure, the dad can bottle feed but that still requires the mom to breast pump in order to maintain her milk supply. In parenthood, fairness is not about equalizing the number of chores or responsibilities between the two parents. Fairness is more about how you both are contributing in your own way as a team and feeling supported by each other. On some days, it could mean you’re doing 80% of the work and on other days, it could look like your partner doing 80% of the work. All of us will contribute differently depending on our energy level, emotions, and personal circumstances (ie. sickness, poor sleep quality, etc.).
6 Ways to Overcome Resentment Towards Your Partner
1. Identify each other’s strengths and triggers.
A big part of making a great team as new parents is knowing each other’s strengths and triggers. For example, my husband’s trigger is waking up way too early and not getting enough sleep. I know this is almost impossible to avoid with a newborn, but identifying each other’s triggers helps you jump in when your partner is struggling the most. My husband is not a morning person so I am willing to take on majority of the morning routine’s responsibilities and give him a break once a while. This allows him to wake up in a better mood, and thereby, the entire family will start the day off in a better mood. My trigger is being hungry so my husband will usually prepare me lunch when I get home from taking our son out to the park in the morning. He knows me so well that he anticipates me being hangry when I get home. Being able to know your partner’s triggers and how to reduce them is a superpower for parents. This will build a deep appreciation for each other and reduce resentment.
2. It’s not always 50/50.
A part of reducing feelings of resentment towards your partner is acknowledging and accepting that it will never be a 50/50 contribution from the two of you. There are some days, I feel like I’m on my A-game. I’m feeling energized and productive and knocking things off my to-do list. And there are other days, I feel sluggish and can barely get through the day. Knowing this, it helps to let go our expectations that our partner should always be contributing 50% of the household work. My husband and I will often ask each other “what percent are you at?” referring to our energy level. If my husband is at a 70% and I’m at a 40%, it’s likely that he’ll be contributing more that day. And vice versa.
3. Practice total responsibility transfer.
This is a concept I learned from Emily Oster. The main idea behind this is that when you delegate a task, they must take over all parts of it, which includes the invisible and visible work. For instance, total responsibility transfer not only means looking after the child but it may also mean planning and preparing their meal, snacks and activities. I love this idea because I was terrible at it. Whenever I had someone to help look after our son, even if it was my husband, I would make it as easiest as possible for them by planning the snacks and meals in advance so they didn’t have to think about it. Overtime, I started to realize that my husband always relied on me to tell him what to prepare for our son’s school lunch, which wasn’t useful for either of us. So, instead, I now suggest a few ideas and let my husband take over and make more of the decisions. This allows me to be completely hands off for certain tasks and as a result, provides freedom for myself when I need to step away from the house for a few hours without feeling resentment towards my partner.
4. Talk it out.
Open and honest communication is essential for all couples, and even more important when you become parents. When you’re feeling stressed, irritated or triggered, let your partner know right away. If you even feel an inkling of resentment towards your partner, talk it out with your partner when you’re in a place of calmness so your emotions don’t get the best of you. Whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed or upset by the lack of support I’m getting from my husband, I will let him know and be clear about my needs. It may sound something like this “I feel like I could use more of your support by being more engaged with him so I can take a step back once in a while. I would love it if you could let me handle the house chores once in a while so I can get a mental break from being the primary caregiver.” Being clear about what your needs are and how you’re feeling will open up the conversations. Avoid attacking your partner because it will only lead to defensiveness and likely unwillingness to hear your point of view.
5. Schedule a date with yourself.
Mommy guilt is so common amongst us moms so the idea of taking time away from your family and doing something for yourself may feel forbidden. But trust me, this will do you and your family wonders. A happy mom is a happy family. The more that you can step away and do something for yourself, the more you’re able to be your best self when you are with your family. So schedule a date with yourself. This could be a long bath or scheduling a well-deserved massage or even grabbing your favorite coffee drink and hanging out at your local cafe for an hour. Whatever this is, it’s so important that you make the time for yourself so you can nurture your mental health and make space for yourself.
6. Learn and adjust your expectations. As you and your partner grow and evolve as parents, you’ll learn your ticks and how to work better together overtime. Your communication will get better. You’ll be able to spot each other when emotions start to run high so you can warn each other to take a break and walk away when needed. You’ll also learn to express when you’re overwhelmed so you can have each other’s backs. As you both work together and communicate your needs, you’ll both get into a rhythm that works for you both.
It’s totally normal to feel resentment towards your partner post-baby. The most important part is how you handle your feelings of resentment. Continuing to work together as a team, communicate your needs, and align on your expectations will help you get through parenthood together.
I would love to hear in the comments below, are you resentful towards your partner? If so, how do you and your partner handle the uncomfortable feelings?
