Since becoming a mom, my entire world has changed. With that, my identity also changed.
My son, who is now a little over 2 years old, had become my entire life and my identity naturally became wrapped into being a mother. There have been lots of learning moments for me throughout this journey of motherhood. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as a first time mom is that I’m in fact more than a mom.
For the first year of my son’s life, I prided myself on giving my 110% to being the best mother I could possibly be. This showed up in how I made decisions such as choosing to sleep vs. pumping late at night or when I had to choose between time with him vs. time for working out, I would always choose him. Looking back now, I would not change any of my decisions. However, as I’m now approaching 18 months postpartum, I’m beginning to grow a desire for fulfillment outside of being a mom and giving myself permission to do so. This has been a huge shift for me as I’ve shedded some of the mom guilt that has been weighing me down this past 1.5 years.
Mom guilt is not often talked about openly but it is so commonly felt amongst first time moms so I’m writing about my experience with mom guilt in hopes to normalize this feeling and help other mamas navigate through it.
To me, mom guilt means feeling like you’ve made the wrong choice when it comes to your parenting decisions. It means feeling like you’re a terrible mom for choosing anything besides your child. It means not allowing yourself to prioritize anything else in your life except for your child.
The way this showed up in my life looked like the following:
- I felt guilt whenever I scheduled time for myself that conflicted with time with my son. Because of this, I ended up only scheduling meetings and appointments when my son was asleep which ended up tiring me out. I felt huge FOMO whenever I wasn’t with him. I felt like he needed me every waking moment so it was very difficult for me to separate from him.
- I felt guilt whenever I asked for help. When I started to have courage to ask for additional support once in a while, I felt this need to justify why I needed the help. “Getting rest” was not a good enough reason. I had to have an important excuse like a doctor’s appointment or a job interview in order to feel like my request for help was valid.
- I felt guilt whenever I spent money on myself vs. on my son.
- I felt guilt when I decided to give him children’s Tylenol when he was sick.
- I felt guilt when I gave him screen time.
In a nutshell, guilt can appear in many different shapes and forms. The underlying cause of it is feeling like we’re not doing enough as parents.
Though I’m still learning to overcome my mom guilt when it arises, I have learned some tools to help reduce the feeling of guilt whenever I come across it. Here are some tools that have worked for me:
- Reframe my thinking. Instead of thinking “this is taking away precious time from my son”, I now tell myself “this will enable me to be a better version of myself so that I can be present and the best mom possible for him when I am with him.” This has helped me in a handful of situations when the urge to drop everything and cancel my plans to spend time with my son overcame me.
- Find support from other mama friends. I cannot stress this piece of advice enough. When I became a mom, I quickly realized how alone I felt. My closest friends were not parents so it became harder for them to relate to the unique challenges I faced as a first time mom. So, I leaned on the mamas I did know or met new mamas in my local area – whether that be my sister-in-law, a colleague’s wife or my very own local park. Finding support from other mamas has given me a sense of I’m no longer alone and that we are all in our own way getting through the day as best as we possibly can.
- Talk it out. Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed or when the feeling of mom guilt becomes intense, I reach out to my therapist or talk it out with my husband. I like to process my emotions verbally so talking it out helps ground me and makes me realize that these are just my thoughts and feelings. If you’re not a verbal processor, writing it out or doing something physical is a great way to release those intense emotions!
- Practice daily self-affirmations. This is something I’m still working on but I’ve noticed when I manage to do this on a consistent basis, I have found that this has helped reduce my negative self-talk and thereby, reduce the feeling of “not doing enough.”
- Audit your social media feed. What we feed our mind affects our overall mental wellbeing so being mindful of what we scroll through in our social media feed is important. From time to time, I will audit my social media feed to monitor what type of information I’m truly finding useful and beneficial for my wellbeing. One hack is to create a new social media account and only follow accounts that cover topics that you’re interested in and that provide support for your growth. After scrolling through your social media, notice how you feel afterward. Are you feeling inspired? Or are you feeling more down about yourself? Take note of these triggers.
I would love to hear if you’ve been feeling mom guilt and if so, how have you managed it?
