It’s no surprise that parents offer screen time to their children with technology being such a big part of our world today. With easily accessible tech gadgets everywhere we look, it’s hard to resist giving our kids screen time whenever it’s most convenient for us.
This has led to a rise in tech usage across children of all ages. According to the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the average daily hour of screen time by age group are:
- 8-10 years: six hours
- 11-14 years: nine hours
- 15-18 years: seven and 1/2 hours
If you’re a parent trying to learn to navigate the use of tech in your children, this article was written for you. With so much information online, it’s overwhelming to know what amount of tech is appropriate for your child. It’s also easy to get trapped in the cycle of parent guilt as more research claims the harmful effects of tech on children’s emotional, social and cognitive development.
This blog will dive into the guilt we feel as parents when it comes to tech usage, the comparison trap we fall into and a few guiding principles that our family personally uses to relieve ourselves of guilt around tech usage with our son.
Why We Feel So Much Guilt About Screen Time
With so much research claiming the harmful effects of tech usage in children, it’s easy for parents to fall into a cycle of guilt when giving our children screen-time.
With a quick Google search “why tech is bad for kids”, you will find thousands of research citing the harms of tech usage in children. A few of these include increased risk of depression, sleep problems, aggressive behavior, less physical activity, reduced attention span, and weak social skills. It’s no wonder why parents feel guilty giving tech to their children!
There’s no argue about why tech can be harmful for young children. However, just like everything in life, moderation is key. These research studies are based on average or excessive use of technology in young children (4+ hours daily). So then, you might be wondering what is the appropriate amount of tech usage for young children?
According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP), the recommended amount of screen time usage for children ages 2-5 is 1 hour per day on weekdays and 3 hours on weekend days. This does not mean that you should give your child 1 hour per day of screen time. Finding the appropriate amount for your child and your family is what’s most important. This takes a little bit of experimentation and trial & error. Each family and child will vary in what amount of screen time is appropriate based on your family’s needs and personal lifestyle.
The Comparison Trap
When we become parents, there is no way to measure how well we are performing at our new job as a parent. So naturally, we start to look to other parents around us for guidance, which leads to the comparison trap.
My husband and I are victims to this. We constantly compared how well our son was sleeping to other kids, how early he was able to start crawling/walking/talking, and how great (or picky) of an eater he was compared to other kids his age.
When it came to screen time, it was no different.
One of our son’s closest friend who is also the same age has had no screen time his entire life. Shocking that his parents have been able to manage this, I know. We could only imagine this kind of child being raised in cavemen days with no source of electricity or technology. Well, of course, after hearing this, I instantly begin to feel guilt about giving our son screen time at all. How is it possible that this family was able to avoid screen time and yet we struggle to limit screen time?
Trying to relieve myself from this guilt, I started to look to other parents who gave screen time to their kids regularly. This made me feel only slightly better for a moment. Like I wasn’t alone.
I even tried to talk myself up as a parent. Well Suzie’s parents gives her screen time an hour everyday, we’re only giving our son 30 minutes every other day. We’re not that bad compared to most parents, right?
But after awhile, the guilt crept back in. I felt guilt every time we gave our son screen time. It’s like we were defeated and failed as parents.
After talking to many parents, it was clear that every parent and their family’s rules around screen time differed drastically, ranging from minimal screen time to hours of screen time as part of their normal routine. And most moms were too ashamed to admit giving their child screen time.
Comparing ourselves to other parents got us nowhere. We either felt worse or only slightly better temporarily.
Giving Ourselves Permission
Once I started to let go of comparison and self-judgment, it made it easier to just focus on myself and our family’s needs. I begin to accept that limited screen time is okay for our family. And while I still hold onto some guilt when we give TV to our son, I’ve set some guidelines and boundaries around screen time that has made it easier for me to let go of the guilt.
By reframing my perspective around screen time, I no longer saw it as a sign that I was failing as a parent but as a self-care tool to prevent and reduce burnout as a stay-at-home mom. This doesn’t mean that I entirely let go and gave my son unlimited screen time. It just meant I gave myself the permission to be okay with screen time every once in a while and not let it be an indication of how great (or not great) of a parent I was.
5 Guiding Principles to Follow When Giving Your Child Screen Time
As a family, we’ve tried our best to limit screen time with our son since he was a newborn. But we knew eventually that the day would come when he would be introduced to the screen and would be hooked. After we’ve experimented with offering screen time at various times of the day and for different situations with our son, we’ve come to the following guidelines to help us decide on when tech usage is appropriate.
As a disclaimer, this guideline is not scientific-based. It’s based on our own personal experiences and what has worked well for us as a family.
1. Set a “cheat” day each week. If you struggle with guilt around giving screen time to your child, consider setting aside one day each week as your “cheat” day. On this day, you have the permission to give your child unlimited screen time. This doesn’t necessarily mean your child will be in front of the screen all day long. The idea behind the cheat day is to let go attaching any meaning to screen time and relieves you from guilt. Like the strict dieter who needs to occasionally indulge with a chocolate chip cookie, the cheat day allows you to have a healthy balance with screen time for your child.
2. Limit to low stimulating shows. Not all shows are equally bad for young children. For babies and toddlers, it’s not so much about the content and more about the sensory experience they are getting from watching TV. Studies have shown that certain shows can be more harmful and overstimulating for children. These shows include flashy lights, loud music, distracting sound effects, and quick transitions. A few shows to avoid include Cocomelon, Blippi and Ms. Rachel. If you are giving your child screen time, consider sticking to low stimulating shows such as Tumble Leaf, Bluey, Trash Truck, Puffin Rock and Little Bear. These are slow-paced with natural colors, which means it will be less addictive for your child.
3. Set boundaries around screen time. This may sound obvious but setting boundaries and sticking to them is an important part of reducing guilt around giving screen time. You don’t need to take an all or nothing approach. Setting boundaries allows you and your family to set your own guidelines around screen time for your child. Here are a few of our family’s boundaries as examples:
- No screen time in the mornings
- No screen time 30 minutes before nap or bedtime
- Screen time is acceptable during nail clipping, long car drives, dining in restaurants, traveling or when our son is sick
- Screen time is acceptable when both parents have had a rough day and are at less than 50% energy level
- No more than 1 hour of screen time at a time
- Aim for screen time every other day, not every day
4. Aim for 95/5. This is a general rule of thumb that we follow as a family. This means we aim for 95% physical activity or outdoor play and 5% screen time or passive time during our son’s wake time. This ensures that our son is getting sufficient physical and social time relative to screen time. If he’s awake for roughly 12 hours each day, this means about 30 minutes to 1 hour of screen time a day. In reality, we give our son less than this because as mentioned in #3 above, we generally aim to give screen time every other day or less so it doesn’t set an expectation that he will get screen time each day.
5. Limit types of devices. We believe that if we limit the number of devices (smart phones, iPads, TV screens) we offer screen time to our son, this will control how often that he will request it. So, instead of using our iPad which we initially did when he was younger, we now only stick to our living room TV screen and our phones when we are on the go (in the car or at a restaurant).
I hope this article was helpful in providing you with a framework to think about screen time for your child. Please share in the comments below your personal struggles with giving screen time to your child and how you have coped with it.
