It’s not uncommon for toddlers to display a preference for one parent over the other. Believe it or not, parent preference is a sign of normal toddler development. Parent preference is a way for your toddler to assert their independence and autonomy. While this phase is a normal part of development, it can be challenging for both parents to navigate. The preferred parent may find themselves burdened with most of the responsibilities, and the non-preferred parent may feel constantly rejected. However, with patience, understanding, and strategic approaches, it’s possible to handle toddler parental preference while ensuring both parents are actively involved. In this article, we’ll share three ways you and your partner can set boundaries and involve both parents in your toddler’s daily activities.
1. Establish Clear and Consistent Boundaries
Setting clear and consistent boundaries is crucial when dealing with toddler parental preference. Here are a few ways you can set consistent boundaries:
- Consistency in Parental Roles: Both parents should communicate and agree on consistent roles and responsibilities. For example, if one parent handles bath time, the other might handle bedtime stories. Consistency helps create a sense of predictability for the toddler and overtime, less battles because they know who is taking on what role. In our family, my husband always takes the role of bath time and I do everything after (putting on diaper, jammies, milk) and it’s become our family norm. This makes it easier for the both of us so we aren’t trying to figure out who is doing what in the moment and we rarely get special requests for the preferred parent (mom) to take over bath time.
- Try “first, then” approach. This is a strategy shared by Mandy Grass, a Parent Coach and Behavior Analyst. When your toddler starts to demand that their preferred parent do a certain activity, you or your partner will respond with “First, daddy will play with you, then mommy will read a book.” This approach allows your child to have what they asked for (mommy time) after the non-preferred parent completes an activity. It’s a little give and take.
- Encourage Independence: Encourage your toddler to perform certain activities independently, irrespective of the parent. This could include brushing their teeth, choosing clothes, or picking a toy. Independence fosters a sense of autonomy and reduces dependency on a specific parent.
- Structured Transitions: Implement structured transitions between parents. For instance, if the preferred parent is handling an activity, set a timer to signal when it’s time for the non-preferred parent to take over. This helps toddlers anticipate changes and eases the transition. We do this often in our family. When I (the preferred parent) needs to leave, I will give my toddler a warning and say “Mommy needs to go exercise in a few minutes. Daddy will be here to take you to the playground.” Giving them a heads up, even if it’s just a few minutes, sets expectations upfront so they aren’t surprised by the transition.
- Avoid Overcompensating: It’s natural for the non-preferred parent to want to overcompensate by offering more treats or leniency. However, it’s essential to maintain a balance and not compromise on established boundaries and rules. Avoid using bribes (new toy, treats, etc.) to get your toddler to spend time with the non-preferred parent. This will create the expectation that your toddler will receive a reward every time the non-preferred parent takes over. Also, avoid giving in to every request for the preferred parent. Although it may feel easier, this will only encourage their demand for the preferred parent.
Consistency in roles, encouraging independence, and structured transitions provide a framework for setting boundaries and involving both parents in the daily routines.
2. Promote Positive Interactions with the Non-Preferred Parent
Building positive associations between the toddler and the non-preferred parent is a key aspect of navigating parental preference. Here’s how to encourage positive interactions:
- Special Activities: Identify activities that the non-preferred parent can exclusively engage in with the toddler. This could be anything from a special craft project to outdoor play. These exclusive activities create positive associations. You can also have the non-preferred parent take your child to their favorite place or participate in their favorite activity.
- Quality One-on-One Time: Ensure that both parents spend quality one-on-one time with the toddler. This helps strengthen the parent-child bond and provides opportunities for the non-preferred parent to build connections. On the weekends, we intentionally carve out time for 1:1 time with mommy and daddy. We have an established routine so that on Saturday mornings, it’s mommy time only and Sunday mornings, it’s daddy time. This helps strengthen the connection and evenly distribute the time between both parents.
- Shared Hobbies or Interests: Identify shared hobbies or interests between the toddler and the non-preferred parent. Engaging in activities that the toddler enjoys can help bridge the gap and strengthen the bond.
- Gradual Involvement: If the toddler is resistant to the non-preferred parent, start with short periods of involvement and gradually increase the time. This gradual approach allows the toddler to adjust at their own pace.
- Consistent Affection: Ensure that both parents express consistent affection and love. Displaying affectionate behaviors, such as hugging, cuddling, and positive affirmations, fosters emotional connections.
Promoting positive interactions involves creating unique bonding experiences, shared interests, and gradual, positive exposure to the non-preferred parent.
3. Practice Flexibility and Patience
Dealing with toddler parental preference requires a good dose of flexibility and patience. Here’s how parents can foster a positive environment:
- Be Patient with the Toddler: Understand that parental preference is a phase and that toddlers may naturally gravitate toward one parent. Be patient with the toddler’s evolving emotions and preferences.
- Open Communication Between Parents: Maintain open and supportive communication between both parents. Share feelings, observations, and strategies for handling parental preference. A united front can create a more supportive environment. Ensuring alignment between both parents is important so you both can support each other in the most challenging situations. It’s easy for one parent to give up when things get hard and want to give in to every demand of your toddler, but supporting each other and stepping in for each other through those challenging moments will payoff in maintaining consistency in those boundaries.
- Resist Comparison: Avoid comparing the toddler’s preferences or behaviors with those of other children. Every child is unique, and preferences can change over time. While many children will show a preference for their mother after just a few months old, it’s important not to fall into the comparison trap because it will do more harm than good.
- Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate small wins and positive interactions between the toddler and the non-preferred parent. Celebrating these moments reinforces the importance of their connection. Celebrating could look like you and your partner acknowledging what worked well for you both throughout the course of the day or treating yourselves to a movie night in.
- Seek Professional Guidance if Needed: If parental preference becomes a source of significant stress or strain, seeking guidance from a pediatrician or parent coach can be beneficial. Professional advice can offer insights into the specific dynamics at play.
Encouraging flexibility, maintaining open communication, and celebrating small wins contribute to a positive environment that fosters the child’s relationship with both parents.
Parental preference is a common phase in toddler development, and while it can present challenges, it’s important for both parents to actively navigate this period with patience and understanding. By establishing clear and consistent boundaries, promoting positive interactions, and encouraging flexibility, parents can create an environment where both are actively involved in their child’s life. Remember, the key is to approach the situation with empathy, celebrate small wins, and, most importantly, recognize that parental preference is a passing phase in the life of a toddler.
